Today’s story is very true and very real. It’s a trip down memory lane where I am going into, painful, detail about a hideously embarrassing experience of my past. The event in question unfolded when I was still in school, beginning my journey through puberty. So without further ado let’s get on with it shall we?
At school I was a dweeb. Its that simple.
I was the proud owner of big clumpy shoes and a rucksack as big as my body, it reached from the top of my spine to below my bum (heavy as hell). I also wore my hair scraped back into such a tight ponytail that from a distance I actually looked bald. Not a good look considering I have one ear bigger than the other (its my left in case you were wondering). In this little trip down memory lane I was in my first year of secondary school, so aged between 12/13. I was goofy and completely immature regarding relationships and boys. However, I had a huge crush on this lad, he was one of the ‘cool kids’. With the previous, accurate description of myself I’m pretty sure you can tell what my social status was. This meant our paths never really crossed. I just admired him from afar.
This particular event happened at lunchtime on a sunny afternoon. I was scurrying through the playground equipped with my colossal rucksack, the rucksack which was so immense it caused me to walk hunched over in the same fashion as a cartoon witch. During my journey I saw the ‘cool kids’ playing football.. I don’t know what on gods green earth possessed me to think this was a good idea, I can’t even tell you where I plucked the courage from, all I remember is hobbling over to my crush, curled up like a freshly awoken hamster (thanks to my rucksack), only to create such an unfortunate chain of events, so awful I can still clearly picture it in my mind today, over 10 years later.
Here is the exact conversation:
Me: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
Me: Oh ok, are you sure?
Me: Oh I just thought it would be nice..?
His eyes started darting around nervously in the direction of his friends, who are now wondering what the heck is going on. Embarrassed he pulled me aside.
Him: Look if I say yes will you go away and stop talking to me in front of my friends?
Me: Yes of course
Him: Okay fine yes. Now bye.
Me: Okay bye. Love you.
Lord have mercy.
I wholeheartedly believed that was an outstanding outcome. I was over the moon, ecstatic if you will. Believe it or not this memory gets worse. I realise how unbelievable that sounds, honestly I do.
After the humiliating exchange between my crush and I, I quite literally skipped off feeling like I had just won the lottery. My heavy rucksack was bouncing up and down pounding into the bottom of my back, the force of this became more powerful with each strike.. All of a sudden it walloped me in the bottom of my back so vigorously I jolted forward, in turn causing my ankle to twist in my clumpy shoe as my foot made impact with the floor. I took three more shaky awkward steps looking like a baby deer on ice trying to save myself, but alas it was no good I was gone. I skidded along the floor on my stomach, in front of what must of been nearly the entire school.
To make matters even worse I stupidly hadn’t fastened my rucksack properly. The entire contents was now scattered all over the place.
So, red faced and covered in dirt, I then had to crawl around the hard concrete floor on hands and knees collecting my belongings whilst giggling kids just casually strolled on by ‘accidentally’ kicking my stuff around the playground.
After what felt like a lifetime I had finally retrieved all of my scattered items. Or so I thought. I was doing one last sweep when my science teacher came strolling past, she stood on a rogue pencil and skidded.
Once she had regained her balance she bent down, picked up the pencil, looked me dead in the eye and said “Is this your idea of a very dangerous joke?”. I’m going to pause the story right here, Firstly, was she completely insane? I was what you would call a nerd at best. as if I would be brave enough to pull a stunt like that? Even if I was and did you could of guaranteed it wouldn’t of been perfectly placed enough to of had her slipping and sliding all over the show, the end result would of been me face-planting the floor because of my own bloody prank!
However, I wont beat around the bush here, this woman terrified me at the best of times.
I panicked. Instead of telling the truth, that I had just publicly humiliated myself, giving school bullies an early Christmas present in the process, I nervously claimed I was not the owner of the pencil. To which she then carefully examined it in her hand and horrifyingly pointed out that my name was very clearly printed on the side. I had completely forgotten that my nan, bless her heart, had given me personalised equipment for my first year at my new school. She apparently didn’t think I would of been ridiculed enough.
Just to be clear, not only did I become a laughing stock to the entire school, my crush never spoke to me again and I also got detention.