Everytime I write an article like this I always feel as if people are reading it thinking, “yeah right.”
I feel that way because if I was reading it I would probably be thinking just that.
As you all know by now I am a jinx. I’m not talking a bit of bad luck here and there.
I mean my life is a mash up between a comedy and a soap opera.
It’s as if I created purely for entertainment purposes.
Before I jump straight in to this one I feel a bit of background information is needed!
Firstly, I am an arachnophobe, when I say that, I mean it. I am terrified of the creepy crawlies!
I quite literally can’t even bring myself to walk into a room if it is inhabited by one!
Personally, I don’t kill any living being but even if I did, I physically couldn’t bring myself to get close enough to do it.
I can’t even find the words to describe how strongly I feel about them.
This experience took place at 8:00am on a Tuesday morning.
I was driving along trying not to fall asleep, standard.
Listening to a bit of little mix, casually going about my business.
The next thing I know, I’m witnessing the opening of the gates to hell before my very eyes.
I’m sure I heard a little ‘pop’, as thousands and I mean thousands, of baby spiders began launching themselves at me.
I apparently didn’t notice the hidden spider sac behind my steering wheel.
Now I don’t know if these things think the first living creature they see is mummy or what.
However, I do know that shy they are not.
These tiny spawns of Satan decided the best thing to do was to use me as some kind of climbing frame.
Not only was I driving alone, I was also driving in front of a people carrier full of children and babies.
Obviously because of this, I couldn’t drive my car into a wall and pray for an explosion.
I had to drive for almost FIVE WHOLE MINUTES whilst covered in spiders.
Have you ever had spiders climbing inside your nose and your ears simultaneously?
By the time I arrived at a safe place to evacuate my vehicle it was already too late. Way too late…
Let me tell you, you can shake like a wet dog, stop drop and roll. You can even start taking off as many items of clothing as your dignity will allow.
You will still be, to put it bluntly, fucked.
You may be surprised to know I actually managed to save them, they are now happily going about their everyday lives.
Possibly looking for the huge mummy who abandoned them at the side of the road.
Now I’ve just wrote that I genuinely feel sad at the thought. Damn me for being such an emotional mess at life!