Been Cheated On? Read This.

Do as I say not as I do. If you are here because you’ve just found out you’ve been cheated on, read this before doing anything drastic.

Deary me. These little trips down memory lane are going to take me nowhere good I’m sure. Today we have something which shows my insanity a little clearer, I’m going to add a little precaution and say, no one was hurt during this experience. Oh and do as I say not as I do. By that I mean don’t ever, ever attempt to do something stupid like this. Even if you have been cheated on.

With my ass now covered we can proceed. I’m confident most people have been cheated on or at least had a bit of a naff relationship. In my very late teen years (worryingly close to 20) a very good friend of mine found out her partner had been cheating. Naturally, that pissed me off.

The trouble is when a relationship ends there is normally that awkward period. (Even more awkward when someone has been cheated on) For example, when you have to get your stuff back. It’s one of those dreaded tasks so when my friend asked me to take this dudes crap back to him I agreed.

Here was the plan, she drives I hop out chuck his shit on the porch and we get the fuck out of there. Only she didn’t know I had other ideas in mind.

The whole thing happened exactly as it was intended until I got to the porch. In my head, all I could think about was the fact my friend was hurt and had been cheated on. When I got there instead of dumping the bin bag down I decided to tear it open and the dump contents everywhere. I wish I could say that was as far as I took it. Despite the fact the son of a bitch has cheated on her, I could feel my friends angry eyes burning the back of my scalp. I already knew I was about to be told off so I didn’t really have a lot to lose at that point.

Like any reasonable person would do, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a packet of matches. I’m guessing you now know where this story is heading.

A hand holding a lighter.

Yep, that’s right, apparently, I’m as crazy as a bag of cats.

I flicked the match alight tossed it on the clothes and then I walked away like a superhero in a movie. I felt like I was the shit. I had pictured a movie worthy scene. I thought I was striding away from an explosion that would put marvel to shame, looking all cool and that…

Then I turned around. Literally, nothing had happened.

He may have cheated on one of my loved ones but I hadn’t planned to burn the place down so I didn’t use an accelerant. That meant the match simply hit the clothes and went out.

The worst part of this is the fact I’m still to this day a tad disappointed I didn’t get my movie scene. It’s not even the fact he cheated on her anymore, it’s selfish reasons at this point, I just wanted to look like a superhero walking away from an explosion. I mean is that really too much to ask? Before you ask I have absolutely no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Would I be satisfied right now if I’d have accidentally burnt the lad alive in his own home? Who knows my friends, who knows.

I do know that now I’ve grown up a touch I realise its probably for the best it went down the way it did. After all, arson does carry a custodial sentence.
I think in future I’m just going to make cheating scumbags buy back their clothes from scope.

If you find out you have been cheated on please remember, that cockwomble is most definitely not worth a prison sentence. Its sheer stupidity that I’m not sat in a jail cell right now. Had I of been intelligent enough to actually pull off my ‘plan’ I’d of been screwed.

Think before you act on this one guys and dolls. Not everyone is lucky enough to be dumb as shit like me.

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