Cat Looking For A New Friend.

Anyone looking for the company of a cat?

I have here the perfect dinner companion! He will wait ever so patiently for you to dish up your nice hot meal, then he will dash into the dining room as fast as his lanky legs will carry him. He will then politely sit and wait for you to carry in your plate of hot food.

Once you are in the room with your hands full he will gracefully jump up on to the table, the exact area where your dinner is about to be placed. Only to then henceforth and wipe his hairy arse all over it. He will quite literally sit on his arse and use his front legs to pull himself along, thus scraping his rectum along your dinner table.

The cutest part is he will then look up at you, stood helplessly clutching your plate of food, knowing full well your hands are tied to the situation. Staring directly at you in a ‘check mate’ sort of fashion and then off he fucks.

Owning this bundle of joy would mean never worrying about letting the warm air out of the lounge ever again! If you accidentally leave a door open, he is so considerate of your heating bill that he will very kindly shut it for you. He’s so helpful he will even go as far as putting a door wedge in place to stop the wind blowing it back open!

He does this by very carefully taking a huge crap a few inches away from the door! Smart right? You see what happens is, you push the door and the crap lodges itself underneath like a door wedge, meaning, you cannot successfully open it.

Sometimes you do get ‘lucky’ and its a very soft poo that way pushing the door merely smears it into the carpet leaving a ‘snail trail’ of shit. It makes it a lot more difficult to clean up but it does mean its easier to open the door, it’s swings and roundabouts.

So in conclusion you basically get a lifetime supply of free door wedges. What a bargain.

Caring for him is pretty simple you won’t ever forget to feed him because when the bowl gets a bit low (half fucking full), he will meow constantly. He does this so close to your face that you can feel his breath. This is constant, until you refresh the food bowl.

Satan.

Don’t worry you won’t overfeed him because he doesn’t actually fucking eat it. He metaphorically sticks his finger up at you and buggers off leaving it to marinate. Of course, in an hour, when it’s still untouched, he will expect it to be thrown out cleaned and refreshed.

You will be pleased to know he doesn’t require any expensive cat furniture. He is quite content wherever it is you choose to sit. He likes to wait for you to find somewhere nice and comfy. Once you have been there just long enough to make it warm and toasty, he will simply throw you out like a mere annoyance to take your place.

You will be pleased to know, he will thoughtfully ‘wear in’ your new handbags for you! He does this by scratching/biting little holes in them! Only the once though! As soon as he’s satisfied with the result he will never touch it again!

He’s incredibly playful. He has quite a few games he enjoys. His favourite is hide and seek with a twist, I like to call it ‘hide and shit’. Here’s how it works, he will take a nice smelly crap and then he will use an item of your belongings to hide it. It’s extra fun because you literally have to ‘sniff out’ the shit. The best time was when he searched through the shoe rack and took off one of my favourite shoes and placed it directly over his turd.

His second favourite game, this is his more generous game as he lovingly makes it all about you! He will wait until you are in the toilet then he will stand just outside the door out of your reach and he will screech as if he is in pain.

It’s eerily intelligent because even though you have no doubt he’s just being a jerk and he isn’t really in pain, he knows full well that you would never take that risk of ignoring him. After all, there is always a chance that one day, he actually might be.

He is so generous he will share every experience he has with you! You will even be expected to take him to the toilet like a tremendously irritating furry toddler! He will keep on and on and on until you join him to take the journey to his litter tray!

You are then forced to stand watching him whilst he squats down for what seems like a lifetime pushing out a poo. Afterwards he expects praise for actually using the toilet and not your carpet. No, seriously, he will expect a treat.

There are plenty more quirks to his personality, but I worry that if I list them all people might feel he’s a bad house guest.

So you see he is not only intelligent, he is also a fucking delight. I’m open to offers here. How much would I need to pay you to take on this beautiful beast?

*Please note, although all of the above is in fact true and despite my better judgement my furry friend is NOT looking for a new home.

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Posted in Story Time.

15 Comments

  1. Cats are the best – but now I’m incredibly happy that my own little beastie is very clean and does his business where it belongs. :’)
    But really, who needs cat furniture when there’s human furniture to be used?

  2. I loved reading your post! I don’t have a cat, if would love to take yours in for a weekend as he is super duper cute. I love how he steals your place just because its nice and warm.

    • Honestly I would love for you to take him for a weekend! 😂 He will follow you around and meow constantly it’s like having a very noisy shadow 🤦‍♀️

  3. This is so funny! I used to have a cat, and although we never had a problem with poo she did vomit very frequently. It was just what we wanted to see first thing in the morning!

    • Oh no! He actually does that too! He scoffs his dinner so quickly he brings it straight back up 🤦‍♀️ I actually stood on some half asleep once 😫

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