I have made a huge decision. One that changes everything for me.
For years I have hidden away in my very own little bubble. I have recently realised that in actual fact, I have created my own prison.
I have kept myself “protected” from the outside world. In reality, I have been scared. Scared of the judgements, the not so quiet whispers and even just the opinions of others.
What I am trying to say is, there are certain aspects of my life that I haven’t spoken about before.
I have been honest about my mental health issues but I have never opened up about the rest.
The truth is, in a way I’m not like other young women, I guess I’m different. This is because I suffer with chronic illnesses. Aside from my psoriasis, they are invisible illnesses.
One of them gives me mutant like abilities such as this cool thing with my thumb…
I’m probably going to be questioned on the authenticity of this photo.. no it’s not photoshopped. Yes I’m willing to show video footage.
Apart from that, the other symptoms, well, they suck. They suck ass. If I am to be fully honest with you, I haven’t woken up once in the last 7 years where I haven’t been in physical pain. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is.
I have spent the last 7 years learning how to live again and coming to terms with the fact that this my life now.
I fell ill when I was 19 I’m now 26. I have come way too close to death 4 times. (If you are a medical professional who has saved my life in the past thank you!).
Believe it or not I suffer with multiple chronic illnesses. I’m currently undergoing tests regarding cushings syndrome and I have already been diagnosed with, autoimmune issues, joint hypermobility, sciatica, fibromyalgia, ME, asthma, psoriosis, IBS and endometriosis.
I’ve currently been waiting for 7 years for another diagnoses regarding issues with my gynaecological health.
It’s like Pokemon at this point, gotta catch um’ all.
I’ve lost count on the hospital stays the different doctors/specialists the gruelling tests and worryingly, the operations.
All of that history yet I can count on one hand how many people know the full extent of my health issues. I have always been so secretive where my health is concerned. There’s a couple of reasons why I am so private on this part of my life.
Firstly, I hate looking sick I will spend time and effort to ensure I look like a ‘normal’ young woman. This and my age means people doubt that I am actually telling the truth.
Members of my own family didn’t believe me for many years, that hurt me deeper than I have ever let on.
They made it transparently clear that they believed I was lying not just to me but to anyone who would listen.
I would love more than anything to be able to explain, just what lasting emotional damage they have caused me. It is lasting, it makes me fear even more that I wont be believed. After all if your own flesh and blood doesnt look out for you..
If I could give advice to those who care about someone who has a medical condition it would be simple, don’t judge what you don’t understand.
None of the family members who have bullied me have ever gone through anything remotely similar to what I have. I fell ill at what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Not even mentioning other dreadful situations I have faced in my personal life.
Due to the fact it is highly likely they will see this I’m going to end it here. But, put it this way, they have absolutely no idea.
I spend time with them I chat with them, I have moved on from it. Although, I haven’t forgiven any of them. I don’t know if I ever will, or if I would even be able to.
Not only was/is their behaviour appalling they made sure my mental health suffered just as much as my physical health.
The harsh truth is, If it wasn’t for the fact we are related I would of removed them from my life a long time ago.
The second reason, I hate that stomach clenching look. For me personally, there is nothing worse than sympathy. From that moment on they treat you like you are made of glass, needing to be triple wrapped in bubble wrap. Protected from the world.
After my brushes with death and my 7 years of hell I can assure you all that I am damn well strong enough to protect myself. Because that is what I am, a fighter.
I created this website because I wanted to help people. Like I said, I know how it feels to be scared. To believe you are alone, wishing you had just one supportive person telling you everything is going to be okay. When your backs up against a wall and you just need that one outstretched hand.
I wanted to be that hand from behind a computer screen. Which is exactly what I have done here, that is what I have created.
Yet still, instead of feeling content or proud of my progress, I have felt restless with my creation ever since my blogging journey began.
I have been so wrapped up in avoiding my own situation that it blinded me from seeing the truth. It made me doubt I had anything to offer.
I have now seen the truth, realised, I can help people, I do have something to offer.
I have spent 7 years of my life feeling as if I have been given a curse. I now want to change that to an opportunity, a chance. A chance to stop others from feeling as alone and scared as I did.
The opportunity to do the one thing I’ve always wanted to do, to make a difference.
If I hadn’t gone through everything I have, the physical and emotional pain, the relentless suffering, the constant worry and everyday struggle I wouldn’t be in this position.
Lately I have been browsing some forums and I come across multiple conversations by people suffering from chronic illness. Many of them looking for support and a kind word after recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness.
Some have lost ‘friends’ due to the fact they are unable to participate in their activities. Uneducated family members throwing accusations around like glitter bombs,
“It’s just pure laziness.”
No. They are scared and they are alone.
Whilst reading these pleas for help and guidance, It registered with me, I was exactly where they are now.
7 years ago I was stood at the beginning of a long painful road, I had nowhere to turn and no one to relate to. It has been a constant battle. My ‘normal’ life was lost in the blink of an eye.
Ive lost people I truly loved along the way and it has broken my heart. Because in all honesty, it’s situations like this that really show you who can rely on and who your true friends are. Sadly, that often leads to heartache.
If I had a choice, no other human being would ever have to go through what I have in the last 7 years, but I don’t.
I can’t prevent others from beginning my journey, I can’t take away their pain or promise them a thing. But I can hold their hand, I can walk with them and I can show them the way.
I’ve walked it, I’ve felt it and looking back, for me, there is only one set of footprints.
There are a lot of promises I can’t give. What I can do is promise that anyone who reaches out to me will look back on their journey and see two sets of footprints.