I’ve never been what one might call a lucky person. In fact I’m pretty sure I’m jinxed, the frequent occurrence of very unfortunate events seem as though they are straight up from the pages of a fictional comedy.
Put it this way, I’m likely to get struck by lightning.. twice.
This particular memory is one of those where you replay it in your minds eye and then sit back and shout “really??”.
I was on a date, a first date to be exact, this first date took place in a little seaside town. It was warm, the sun was shining and the atmosphere was calm, relaxed and happy. We don’t get much sun here, so when we do it’s a watered down version of what I imagine winning the lottery feels like. I don’t play the lottery, I know life would most probably laugh in my face hand me a winning ticket and then chuck it straight down the drain.
Back to the story, we was taking a casual stroll in the town area, passing the shops and talking about anything and everything, it was actually going pretty well.
Until I met my metaphorical demise.
I don’t know about where you live but here we have seagulls the size of pterodactyls. They could easily swoop down, grab an infant child and drag it to their nest to feed their mutant seagull offspring. You could quite literally make an epic horror story on them without having to stretch your imagination. In fact I’m copy-writing that idea.
I wasn’t paying much attention to the seagulls, the sea was calm which meant they was all enjoying a relaxing swim. All except one. No seriously just one.
This one seagull was circling overhead, hoping a poor old lady wouldn’t be strong enough to defend her fish and chips.
Now, I’m an animal lover spotting wildlife is great but, seagulls aren’t actually birds. They like to make you think they are, but they’re not. They are evil mutants who would eat you alive if they went an hour without food. Scavengers to say the least. I still often find myself feeding them though. I’m a sucker like that.
I’ll never forget the conversation we was having when all hell broke loose, purely because it was the most appropriate conversation with the most perfect timing, it was fate. I was explaining my bad luck, proving it by telling the story of when a ceiling quite literally fell on my head.
“Seriously it may seem far fetched but I am a real life jin—-“
Just as the world jinx was leaving my mouth something warm and wet entered it.
It turned out that one seagull, you know the one.. The only seagull at the beach that wasn’t in the sea, yep that one, the one who had decided to take a flight over the town had took a shit. That shit had made impact with my face. It started from my forehead trailed all down my nose and entered my open mouth.
My head and face was covered in actual real life shit.
After finding myself frozen to the spot my mouth still open containing a puddle of seagull excrement, I, without thinking, automatically swallowed. I swallowed the poop. I then looked up at the sky shouting,
“Oh come on?! You’ve got to be kidding me?! I had my mouth open and everything!!!”
Realising where I was and with whom I turned to face my horrified date, his jaw was on the floor until he finally uttered the words,
“Did you just swallow that?”
That was when all hell broke lose, realisation hit me. I registered the fact I had just consumed raw fish, mouldy food and possibly even human flesh which had all marinated inside the stomach of a monster then passed through it’s bowels exiting out of his rectum and I heaved..
The vomit splattered all over my shoes splashing up and landing on both of our legs. I was stood in the middle of a packed high street, face covered in faeces, waving my fists about shouting into thin air, gobbling up seagull shit and vomiting all over the show.
In that entire town, there was one seagull flying overhead. Just one, and hundreds of innocent people and out of every single one of them I was the one who received the shit sandwich.
The drive home was mostly in silence, I’m not sure whether it was sheer awkwardness or because we were both trying our hardest not to inhale the stench. In case you are wondering, surprisingly a second date wasn’t on the cards.